In better days, this is what my closet looks like. But its also something else. Its where I go when life gets to be too much. I throw down a sleeping bag, and some pillows, bring in a cup of juice, and I close the doors and sit in here until I calm down. I know its strange. You don’t need to tell me that its unhealthy. I know that it is. But its also May – a month that is (historically) difficult and filled with anxiety. And while its still early days, the expectation is high that it will match past years.
In the past 2 days I feel like I have lost 15 pounds (I havent) but I am sick, exhausted, and so anxious. I am frantic. The reason? Its May. There is nothing I can do to change it. Calling it April 32nd isn’t going to make things better. All I can do is get through this month the best way I can. That means scheduling a bunch of stuff, so I don’t have a lot of alone time to think bad thoughts. And when I have spare time, putting myself in a small space. I am not claustrophobic, however open spaces really bother me. So here I am sitting in my closet. And here is where I will stay until my next student arrives. I will most likely be sleeping here tonight. And chances are, I will have a makeshift desk set up-so I can work in here tomorrow. The clothes are a bit bothersome, but since I don’t have anywhere else to put them, I have no choice but to share their space.
My life isn’t terrible. I am not destitute or hungry. I am employed, I have friends, people care about me. I am even loved. But I am in a bit of pain right now. And this is the only thing that I can think of that will make me feel better.
I will add a little levity and say that my next place will have much nicer closets, also I really need to go shopping.