Walk-in Closet Needed

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In better days, this is what my closet looks like. But its also something else.  Its where I go when life gets to be too much.  I throw down a sleeping bag, and some pillows, bring in a cup of juice, and I close the doors and sit in here until I calm down.  I know its strange.  You don’t need to tell me that its unhealthy. I know that it is. But its also May – a month that is (historically) difficult and filled with anxiety. And while its still early days, the expectation is high that it will match past years.

In the past 2 days I feel like I have lost 15 pounds (I havent) but I am sick, exhausted, and so anxious. I am frantic. The reason?  Its May.  There is nothing I can do to change it. Calling it April 32nd isn’t going to make things better. All I can do is get through this month the best way I can. That means scheduling a bunch of stuff, so I don’t have a lot of alone time to think bad thoughts.  And when I have spare time, putting myself in a small space. I am not claustrophobic, however open spaces really bother me.  So here I am sitting in my closet.  And here is where I will stay until my next student arrives.  I will most likely be sleeping here tonight.  And chances are, I will have a makeshift desk set up-so I can work in here tomorrow.  The clothes are a bit bothersome, but since I don’t have anywhere else to put them, I have no choice but to share their space.

My life isn’t terrible.  I am not destitute or hungry. I am employed, I have friends, people care about me. I am even loved.  But I am in a bit of pain right now.  And this is the only thing that I can think of that will make me feel better.

I will add a little levity and say that my next place will have much nicer closets, also I really need to go shopping.

 

The Power of Believing (or lack thereof)

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This is me. I don’t always look like I this, but I pretty much always feel like how I look in this photo. Scared, exhausted, and like I have just gotten my ass kicked. Also I pretty much always feel like I am six years old.

Over the past couple of years, there has been a great deal of change in the way I see myself. I have had a great deal of help from both professionals and friends- and I have come along way. But there is one area that needs a great deal of work still. I don’t actually believe that I am deserving of a good life. Professionally I mean. I have made great strides in my personal life – but I kind of forgot that there is a whole other part of my life that needs attention. And so recently I started thinking about this area.

I am a classical musician – but due to injuries I am unable to play music. I have had a teaching practice -that I have set aside for awhile, since it wasn’t working out the way I had planned, and I am was a member of a quartet, that has just started to do a lot of performing. Since I am  unable to play (until at least July 1) I had to find a replacement.  I have a lot of practice ahead of me, if I am to come back to where I was as a musician  -and we don’t quite know yet if I will get there, even with all that work.  My musical life is the only place I feel validated.  When I play music I feel like I am contributing. I feel valued and respected. This is all on hold now, while I heal. And all of these feelings have gone away.

I also have a day job. And this is where my problem lies. I have dreams. Professional dreams. I want a job that is creative. I want a job that makes me happy. I want a job that challenges me. I want to be able to feel good about what I do. And I want to enjoy going to work everyday. I have none of these things. Why? Because I don’t actually believe that I should be allowed to have them.

I had great role models growing up. I grew up in a house, where not only did my mother work, and work hard, but she was incredibly successful. She made sure that I knew that I could do anything I wanted. She instilled a sense of independence in me. That stuck  -I am incredibly independent. I don’t need help from anyone. I can take care of myself. And I do. But I am unhappy.

A long time ago, someone treated me like a garbage can (actually worse-but its too painful to talk about). And that feeling stuck. I have never been able to shake it off. I don’t believe people unless they say terrible things about me.  I just don’t think they are truthful unless they are telling me I am useless. Probably why I can’t actually count on anyone to be sincere, unless they are angry at me. I feel better when I have goaded someone into telling me that they don’t like me. I have done this to my own family, more times than I can count. I know this is self destructive behaviour. And I have worked so hard in order to move past it. I have successfully culled toxic relationships, and built healthy supportive ones. For the first time in my life, I have a support system in place. And yet I am still broken.

I work hard.  But I am unable to ask for simple things like a raise. Or for a job that I would be better suited at. I can’t even quit a job that I don’t enjoy, or one that I am not good at. I am not afraid of rejection – I have had plenty of rejection in my life.  But I can’t even bring myself to be put in a position of rejection. I am unable to do anything – because I am terrified. Paralyzed. Afraid of being happy.

Because I am a garbage can. Suited only for containing trash.

 

 

The No Good Horrible Very Terrible Baddest Day

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Im having a day where I need to hide out from the world. Life has gotten fairly difficult lately – and I have been reliving my past a great deal. My past is peppered with some fairly difficult vignettes- and the most terrible of those, have come to visit today.

I am currently under a pile of blankets, and have no intentions of getting out from under them any time soon.  Blankets are calming.  I am a mess. I need calm.  And blankets. And pyjamas. And someone to like me best.

Photo via flickr- amazing_podgirl